Greetings, wonderwanderer… Welcome back to the sage is always greener. If it’s your first time, hey, hi. Kick your shoes off, take the comfy spot on the couch. Snacks are in the cabinet. Of all the ways I’ve considered starting this, I just have to ask: can anyone else believe it’s already October?
I’ve been in it, outside of it, staring at it from the corner of the room and wondering when it would settle down before worrying (horrified) that it never would and understanding (quietly over time) that it never would.
This space was ambitiously built and shared in March, around the time of our first set of annual eclipses. Every hope and dream and desire I ever had as a creative was poured into this container. After substantial time away (three months… damn) to deepen into my Tower year and more than a few intense life changes, I am making a slow return after our second set of annual eclipses and realizing that this newsletter doesn’t quite fit who I’ve become in my absence.
Coincidence? I think not.
Finer shifts (like rewriting introductions and layout reconsiderations) are still in progress. Simpler things (like my name shift to Aster, meaning star, and conscious efforts to weave more whimsy into this space) are already in motion. I have waited far too long to come back here and I didn’t want what I am referring to as repainting to be another excuse to hide behind. Please don’t mind the echoes of recalibration. We’re working as efficiently as we can. (Thanks).
Truthfully, I have been writing more recently than I have all year, just not in this space. Remember what I said about pouring everything I had into this container? Everything included all the pressure I felt to succeed as an artist by society’s standards (gag), the residual effects of letting my eyes linger on other people’s papers (comparison is a fucking joy thief), and internal demands for more than what I could offer (I don’t see enough people talking about the intuitive trauma that can be revealed after escaping the education system... Yes, I got my degree. Not without endless attacks to my weird creative brain that I’m still attempting to process and alchemize.)
When I entered this space, these walls I meticulously created and believed would shelter me, it was about the number of shares I could produce, the immediate commodification of the work that was meant to liberate my soul after being wired down by others and expectation for my entire life, how many subscribers I could get in my first month… you get the idea.
There were things that just… didn’t feel right here for a long time. These check in’s, which were always meant to be the most intuitively-woven thread of this newsletter, quickly became a point of contraction. I was more concerned with how every share would perform (eclipse season is an exception… I’m still floored by what poured out of me during that time). As a direct consequence, my trust in myself as a creative became jaded. I kept pushing back the same ideas, claiming I would work on them when I was “ready,” all the while my emotions about this space became more complicated because I refused to write what I desired, aka the whole reason I started.
And it wasn’t long before an excuse became a mantra and then a ghost in the hallway that I couldn’t make eye contact with. It was just me under the veil. Waiting to be recognized.
To be clear, there was shit I was running from like a hamster on a wheel. All the pressure, my ego’s fears of not being the greatest on my first try, etc. There was also shit I had to take time to tend to beyond this space, frustrating as that was.
I realized I may very well spend the rest of however long I am on this planet deprogramming and unraveling my nervous system from abusive, manipulative, and ego-driven familial and relational systems. (At the very least, I feel this will be the core work of what remains of my twenties). I somehow forgot I have major depressive disorder among other things and fall into cycles of bed rot and poor physical care when I am stressed. (I didn’t leave my apartment for nearly a week in August, right after I moved out on my own. I struggled to care for my body in ways I have not experienced since lockdown. Celeste, if you’re reading this, thank you for reminding me that I’m not insane). Three jobs too many sit on my plate. (I don’t think I need to explain how tumultuous this reality continues to be for me.)
During my absence, I also learned I’m a Taurus rising, not an Aries rising as I wrongly assumed for so many years. If you’re not into astrology, your rising sign can be a central element to your core personality. A minute of difference in someone’s birth chart can change what energy their ascendant lives in. Last week, I also learned I have a Scorpio placement in my whole sign birth chart… my descendant. Cue laugh track here.1
I’m still trying to learn and explore who I am as a mortal in the context of all these tangled wires. Taking a break from creative spaces supported me in my need for isolation. Now, I want nothing more than to show up in everything that I am and cultivate a rhythm that works for me.
There will always be a need, at some point, to shift when conditions are not suitable. I am plant parent like many other Zoomers. One of my plants suffered a snapped stem during my move. It was the only one left and had been growing new, vibrant leaves all summer. So, you can imagine how devastated I was to realize it was almost completely severed at some point in the journey.
I kept the plant propped against my television, hoping it would recover, and mostly huddled the others together in the same space. Meanwhile, two of my light-sensitive plants were experiencing browned and yellowed leaves and obvious signs of sunburn, which I neglected. I also neglected to water my plants on a regular schedule. (I never said I was good at this).
As insane as it is for me to type this, I’ve been in my new space for two months. It took me that long to realize most of my plants were severely underwatered, receiving too much light and needed to be moved, and the one with the broken stem was long gone. If you live alone, you know how overwhelming home care can be to manage on your own. The last thing I wanted was to water all my plants, spray them down, find new places for two of them, and let the one that died go. And I did it anyway.
I put my enormous monstera deliciosa in my bathtub to give it the hydration its leaves love. (Its the only place I can do this without making a mess). I cleared the assortment of junk from the top of my only bookshelf and made an altar of plants, lego flowers, crystals, mini scarecrows, and more. I removed my dead plant from its container and filled the pot with water to break up the old soil. It sits in my sink as I write this. I was upset with myself for not doing something to recognize its passing (witch problems), but its vessel remains full. When I’m ready, I will fill it with something new.
We have to slow down enough to recognize when and where change is needed in our lives and accept when its time to let something go. These realities often overlap and dance together. In the words of Sarah Faith Gottesdiener, “More can only come when there is space for more to come.” To me, this is what the number two is all about. (Yes, all this yapping has a purpose).
èr means two in simplified Chinese. Depending on the pinyin utilized (èr vs. ér) and the word associated with it (二 vs. 而), you could reference the number two or explain contrasting ideas (而 functions as and or as well as in a sentence). Two’s are all about duality, multiplicity, different energies, balance, etc. The High Priestess, a Tarot card of magic and intuition, is one of my Western Eurocentric birth cards. It is the card two in the first line of the Major Arcana, which many believe represent the self, ego, or identity.
I always wear two silver bands on my wrist, have double lobe piercings on both of my ears, and got my second nose piercing this year. (Apparently, Taurus rising’s have a thing for bling. Taurus is also the second sign of the zodiac). There are two eclipses twice every calendar year. Most of us are taught that there are two genders (woman and man), two sexes (male and female), two emotions (happy and sad) and so on. Yin and Yang is an enormously popular Chinese philosophy about cosmic opposites complimenting each other. Most societies recognize two major luminaries: the sun and the moon. In pop culture, there is a theory that most music artists experience a ‘sophomore slump,’ meaning the success of a debut does not match the metrics of a second body of work. You get the idea.
When the earth begins her journey into a new season, we let her (even if we complain and drag our feet on the way). She does not hide the death and transformation of the autumnal wheel of the year from our eyes. We witness the leaves as they change colors, the lack of daylight that forces us to shift our habits and schedules, a thinner veil as we inch closer to Halloween. And we slowly settle into something new.
In her October monthly medicine, Lindsay Mack explored the gifts of the King of Pentacles (this is another tarot card). I found myself grounded and deeply resonating with her interpretation of the card: “King of Pentacles is a whole imperfect person who's willing to contribute from that place, who is not so much serving as a hierarchical leader, but somebody who is able to say 'I am here with all of my humanness, with all of my flaws, with all of my fallibility. I'm here and I'm going to contribute from that place and be as honest as possible.’”
On Alligator Bites Never Heal, musical polymorph Doechii dives into another medicinal sentiment in the song WAIT: “Life is just like a bike, it don’t move unless you pedaling. Less about who is better and more bout who blessing them.”
It is more important for me to be present in who I am in this fleeting moment (a nuanced person who doesn’t know how often I can share in this evolving space and wants to as often as I can from a place of genuine intuitive, health-prioritized, creative harmony) than to masquerade as something I am not and hope to never be (someone who only does this work to satiate my ego, make money, or out of obligation). If zero is where things start and one is where things deepen, two is where we find things that reflect our realities back at us.
And what greater medicine in our chaotic world than a mirroring of our truest selves?
Until next time and from the depths of the witches road,
aster
threads of autumn magic
ஐ Register to vote and remind someone you love to do the same
ஐ Listen to the October 2024 playlist (Youtube) (Spotify)
ஐ Doechii’s WAIT live performance (I genuinely believe music contains healing frequencies and this is no exception)
ஐ Podcasts: your fear of looking stupid is holding you back from Ri Turner and Sunset Tim on for the healthy hoes, 270. MONTHLY MEDICINE: October is Waiting from Lindsay Mack on Tarot for the Wild Soul (this is dense and worth every moment... if you need something brief yet still magical, start at 41:06), Time is a Living Thing: Biomimicry, Home, and Healing with Gabes Torres, psychotherapist and artist from Sarah Faith Gottesdiener on Moonbeaming
ஐ Larry Graham’s One In A Million You (recommended to me by my mom)
ஐ Visual Essays: The Babygirlification of the Modern Vampire from marinashutup, Artists Are (NOT) Good from Tirrrb, What Hawkeye Gets Right | Disability Representation in Media from Questing Refuge, The Batman: A Tale of Vengeance and Healing from StoryStreet, My Mom is Dead (To Me): A Eulogy About Going No Contact from Mainely Mandy
ஐ Buy a Charity Bath Bomb for yourself or a loved one from my favorite online shop or directly support BeLoved Ashville's mission to provide hurricane relief to those in North Carolina (or find something you care about and get involved in your own way!)
the sage is always greener is possible because of readers like you. your attention, space, and generosity are appreciated and loved. thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have long complained about not having any astrological placements in Scorpio because I deeply admire Scorpio’s, lol
Ah. And you continue to be not insane. Life always moves on and it drags everything and everyone forward as it goes. (Or if you're feeling particularly nihilistic, it moves on no matter what anything or anyone is doing.)
And in response, all we can do is change and move on while allowing ourselves the grace to do so. To take care and not get swept up in what society swears is important. Welcome back after all this time away.
Shake off the residue of your old expectations and move forward with your new ones. (And be prepared for that to shift too.)
XOXO